Tag: fear

Somewhere in Between

November 11, 2017

It was all just like a dream, except I never fell asleep… I was there, felt your love, connected with the people closest to my heart, visited the places of my past, the building blocks of who I am today; my childhood home, highschool, church, where we used to bike as a family… All my favourite places to be, my favourite restaurant and foods, my favourite places to play ball and spend time with friends, my favourite place to sit by the dyke to take in life and pray.

I was here. I lived here. The life I built lives on, it is still here, and exists, in the hearts of the people that remember me.

However, now, there is this other “reality of life” I have built, on the other side of the world. It co-exists. It thrives. It is forever in competition with the memories of what I had when I left home almost two years ago.

Most days, my life here brings dynamism, growth, adventure and richness to my soul. But some days, like today, in the midst of loss and heartbreak, it feels like I exist somewhere between two places. The pieces of my heart, scattered in between both. And I can’t help but wonder if I will ever be able to put all these pieces back together. Or will my heart forever be torn. Desperately and hopelessly trying to connect two realities, that are forever destined to be on opposite sides of the world.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Be with me Lord.

As my world crumbles around me

Uphold me. Strengthen me.

As my heart breaks for her.

My entire being urges me to go home and hold her together.

Be with me Lord.

Settle my mind’s anxieties.

Bring me calmness and peace.

You brought me here.

I am meant to be here.

Uplift me. Give me your wisdom and understanding.

Help me to trust.

Be with me Lord.

Rebuild me from the inside out.

Accepting the love given and choosing to give yourself the love you need…

September 25, 2016

People love us the best way that they know how, it may not be what we need, it may not be what speaks most to our hearts, but people love the best way they know how. And this applies to my parents, close friendships and to past relationships where I look back and think,“how could you not know that would hurt me?”, “how could you not know that made me feel insignificant?”, “how could you not know that made me feel so unseen and forgotten?”

 

But the truth is, that I can be mad as much as I want, I can wish that things would be different, I can even wish that certain things never happened at all, but the reality is that if these people knew how to love me better and if they could have loved me better, if it was in their capacity and in their self-awareness, they would have. And at some point I have to accept that, and let it go, that maybe it didn’t turn out the way I wanted, or maybe I would have been different or things would have been different if they had loved me the way that I felt like I needed to be, the fact is that they didn’t. Whether it was because they couldn’t or they wouldn’t, but at the end of the day, they didn’t know how to do it any other way, and they did it the only way they knew how. And I must come to the understanding that the extent to which people in my life loved me imperfectly, was a reflection of their capacity, and their experiences of love, and that does not mean that I am less worthy of love or unlovable.

At some point I have to find some level of acceptance with that and know that I am who I am because of the way that I was loved or wasn’t loved, this is something I cannot go back and change. But I can choose how to go forth loving myself and loving others from this day forward.

On the plane to Australia, sitting with fear and self-doubt

March 1, 2016

And so this adventure begins… sometimes I find myself doubting myself. What was I thinking running away, so damn far and so damn fast. What am I running away so intensely from? or what am I am so desperately seeking to find? What does my soul crave most?

In some moments, I feel a scary amount of calmness, as if it hasn’t sunken in yet. I hear myself answering people inquiring about where I’m from and asking me about my story as if I’m not the one saying these words, “I’m moving”, “at least for one year,” “oh, I bought a one way…”. Even as I sit here writing these words, I feel a trembling deep in my core, as if a part of me still sits in denial, that its been almost a day since I left everyone and everything I’ve ever known in Vancouver. It’s fear, it sits within me, eager to share and overshadow my excitement for new beginnings with self doubt, and “what ifs” that only ever end in catastrophic endings and snapshots of lonely and empty days to come. Where I can see myself falling short of everything I hoped to achieve while I’m here.

The truth is, I’m afraid. I’m terrified. But I can’t let myself know that. I’m afraid I made a mistake, I’m afraid it will be harder than I thought. I’m afraid I overlooked a detail, I’m afraid to spend time away from loved ones. I’m afraid to let myself down.

But as I choose to sit in these moments of fear, I try to convince myself to be brave, and to sit with the fear, to face it, and to be still in it. And I let it warn me, caution and scare me, because yes, it IS a huge decision. And in these moments, I feel winded, out of air, as my head spins trying to catch up with this decision I have made.

But somehow, I catch myself coming back to the word courage. A word I was gifted with recently by a dear friend. And I am reminded that in this moment, I choose courage. Courage is not the one time decision to book a flight, step on a plane, or to share your story once in front of a room of people, but instead, it is found in every little moment that I sit with fear, that I lean into it, and choose to continue to take the baby steps that the tiny voice in my heart leads me towards. I tell myself, one day at a time, one hour at a time, one moment at a time of courage, strength and faithfulness.

Because there once was a time, that I lived in fear, of life, of risks, of my own dreams, afraid to want them, in case one day I had to realize that I could not achieve them. There was once a day I feared seeing the outcome of my life and the perceived failure so much that I wanted to throw in the towel right then and there. Fear had me as its willing prisoner. But today, I let that fear drive me, unnerve, unravel and torment me with its worse outcomes and doubts, only to lean into it and prove it wrong. I will not be ruled by my fear, not again. I will live out my life, in light of and in the face of my fear.