And so this adventure begins… sometimes I find myself doubting myself. What was I thinking running away, so damn far and so damn fast. What am I running away so intensely from? or what am I am so desperately seeking to find? What does my soul crave most?
In some moments, I feel a scary amount of calmness, as if it hasn’t sunken in yet. I hear myself answering people inquiring about where I’m from and asking me about my story as if I’m not the one saying these words, “I’m moving”, “at least for one year,” “oh, I bought a one way…”. Even as I sit here writing these words, I feel a trembling deep in my core, as if a part of me still sits in denial, that its been almost a day since I left everyone and everything I’ve ever known in Vancouver. It’s fear, it sits within me, eager to share and overshadow my excitement for new beginnings with self doubt, and “what ifs” that only ever end in catastrophic endings and snapshots of lonely and empty days to come. Where I can see myself falling short of everything I hoped to achieve while I’m here.
The truth is, I’m afraid. I’m terrified. But I can’t let myself know that. I’m afraid I made a mistake, I’m afraid it will be harder than I thought. I’m afraid I overlooked a detail, I’m afraid to spend time away from loved ones. I’m afraid to let myself down.
But as I choose to sit in these moments of fear, I try to convince myself to be brave, and to sit with the fear, to face it, and to be still in it. And I let it warn me, caution and scare me, because yes, it IS a huge decision. And in these moments, I feel winded, out of air, as my head spins trying to catch up with this decision I have made.
But somehow, I catch myself coming back to the word courage. A word I was gifted with recently by a dear friend. And I am reminded that in this moment, I choose courage. Courage is not the one time decision to book a flight, step on a plane, or to share your story once in front of a room of people, but instead, it is found in every little moment that I sit with fear, that I lean into it, and choose to continue to take the baby steps that the tiny voice in my heart leads me towards. I tell myself, one day at a time, one hour at a time, one moment at a time of courage, strength and faithfulness.
Because there once was a time, that I lived in fear, of life, of risks, of my own dreams, afraid to want them, in case one day I had to realize that I could not achieve them. There was once a day I feared seeing the outcome of my life and the perceived failure so much that I wanted to throw in the towel right then and there. Fear had me as its willing prisoner. But today, I let that fear drive me, unnerve, unravel and torment me with its worse outcomes and doubts, only to lean into it and prove it wrong. I will not be ruled by my fear, not again. I will live out my life, in light of and in the face of my fear.