Tag: comfort

Accepting the love given and choosing to give yourself the love you need…

September 25, 2016

People love us the best way that they know how, it may not be what we need, it may not be what speaks most to our hearts, but people love the best way they know how. And this applies to my parents, close friendships and to past relationships where I look back and think,“how could you not know that would hurt me?”, “how could you not know that made me feel insignificant?”, “how could you not know that made me feel so unseen and forgotten?”

 

But the truth is, that I can be mad as much as I want, I can wish that things would be different, I can even wish that certain things never happened at all, but the reality is that if these people knew how to love me better and if they could have loved me better, if it was in their capacity and in their self-awareness, they would have. And at some point I have to accept that, and let it go, that maybe it didn’t turn out the way I wanted, or maybe I would have been different or things would have been different if they had loved me the way that I felt like I needed to be, the fact is that they didn’t. Whether it was because they couldn’t or they wouldn’t, but at the end of the day, they didn’t know how to do it any other way, and they did it the only way they knew how. And I must come to the understanding that the extent to which people in my life loved me imperfectly, was a reflection of their capacity, and their experiences of love, and that does not mean that I am less worthy of love or unlovable.

At some point I have to find some level of acceptance with that and know that I am who I am because of the way that I was loved or wasn’t loved, this is something I cannot go back and change. But I can choose how to go forth loving myself and loving others from this day forward.

The week I felt everything I left behind…

August 25, 2016

The Day Dad Left.

I never quite felt the tug on my heart strings to return to Vancouver like when my dad left. Seeing the plane come in, waiting with him at the airport, feeling like the comfort, familiarity and safety of having him here was all about to be torn away… was terrifying and unnerving. He turned and asked if I was coming home, and it filled my eyes with tears, both knowing that he wasn’t just joking, and both knowing that I couldn’t. But when he asked me, my heart immediately sank, as the world I had left behind flashed before my eyes; my friends, family, and all familiar places I loved back home. I had left it all, for here. This was home now. And I was here, on my own, alone.

The first time I ever saw my dad cry was today. Wishing me well, telling me he was proud before he left, as he kissed me on my forehead and we stood there in tears in an embrace that pained me to end. Regardless of everything, he was my dad and always would be.

And when his plane took off, for the first time, since I’ve been here, I could feel everything that I had left behind, and then grief and fear overtook me. I broke down into uncontrollable tears.

What had I done? Was it all worth while? And why, did it suddenly all feel so hard?

A Letter to my Demons

Today I wept 3 times, trying to cope with an immense sense of emptiness and loneliness. I am all over the place, feelings of sadness for being here alone, leading to dark thoughts telling me its because no one wants to join me on this adventure, or be with me, all the way to feelings of shame for my decision, feelings stupid and weak for my choice to come here, fearing judgement from those that I only like to show my strong side to, feeling fear about my visa and stress about work. Perhaps for the first time in a long time, I miss familiarity, I miss comfort, maybe today was the first day I can let myself say, “I miss home, I miss my family. I miss the people that know me, and I miss the places that bring me warmth and comfort. And that is okay”.

Because it doesn’t take away from now, I don’t regret the choices I made, why do I even feel the need to say that? Perhaps I fear your judgement. That the way to measure success is to feel joy everyday after you’ve made a decision. I’m afraid that that you might say “I told you so”, “I knew she couldn’t do it”, “I knew it’d sink in eventually.” That you would think I was any less courageous. But then, I would tell you, but I did do it. Already moved. And that how I feel or think right now does not define me. I am more than my insecurities, fears and doubts. I am more than my life choices and accomplishments. I am dynamic, multi-dimensional and ever-evolving. I am allowed to be courageous and afraid, strong and fragile, confident and insecure all at the same time.

I know who I am and I won’t let you take that way from me.