So I pulled the plug, not because I gave up hope, not because I stopped loving you, but because loving you, caring for us, was poisoning my spirit. I could slowly feel your false truths sink in; that I wasn’t self reliant enough, I wasn’t centered in God enough, that I wasn’t accepting enough, that I overthink too often, that I reach out for support too often, that I’m too demanding, not flexible enough, not willing to compromise my physical boundaries enough. All of it. The ways you chipped away at me slowly… when you only had access to these most vulnerable parts of me because I trusted you and let you in, thinking you were my safe place.
But with every piece of me that I entrusted you with, you threw back at me like daggers. Ripping into my very core, in a way that I could feel every jagged edge cut into me. And I stayed for the onslaught, naively thinking that if you saw me bleed out, and not return a single attack, that maybe, just maybe you would see me again, in my wholeness, fragility, flawedness, and full of the desire to love you through the hurt, through the damage, through the pain and the wreckage. But you wouldn’t have it. And you wouldn’t see me. You were looking, but you weren’t seeing me.
And until the very end, I continued to be your enemy. Seeing my wounds did nothing for you. As if seeing me bleed made you feel better, somehow less alone in your misery. So, helplessly, powerlessly, painfully, I watched this spectacular story of us fade into the shadows. We lost us. Just like that, everything up in smoke. And once again, I am left here alone, picking up the pieces and re-building myself, in the safety of a space without you.
Derek April 25, 2017
This is so powerful and vulnerable, it’s incredible how challenging and manipulative abuse can be and your sharing your experience is both moving and inspirational.
Here’s hoping that your strength speaks to someone else who finds themself currently in a situation where they are struggling to hold onto their strength and they are reminded that they deserve better and that there is support there and as hard as the road may be, light always penetrates darkness and we are never truly alone!
nakedunashamed May 9, 2017
Thank you so much D. It was extremely hard to write given what this relationship meant to me, but I hoped it would resonate with someone else who might be feeling the same way. I have been fortunate to have people reach out and support me in the same way, so I hope to do the same for others. Thanks for all your ongoing support.
Wayne Lam May 9, 2017
You make a great visual artist with your words! If ever decide to film a short cinematic video for your thought, I’m here as a friend and support! There are reasons Why we are here! Take care!
nakedunashamed May 9, 2017
Thank you so much Wayne! Your kind words are very much appreciated. Thank you so much for helping me to express my thoughts, emotions and most difficult experiences in video/film. It has had such an impact on my life, and allowed me to reach out to more people and even to have a “keepsake” of one of the most difficult experiences in my life, and how it has shaped me. Hope you are well!